Monday, October 24, 2011
I've been applying for freelance writing/editing gigs lately. Some website was looking for product descriptions. I decided to do some samples. I only wrote one though. This is it:
Central Market Organics Cold Milled Ground Flaxseed
Unlike the lower quality, less inspired ground flaxseeds on the market, Central Market’s Cold Milled Ground Flaxseed is milled cold, locking in all those essential nutrients you have grown to love. With the texture and earthiness of discarded roach legs, this flaxseed will bring out the crunchy hipster in you, and provide a playful decoration for your favorite cereals, yogurts, and salads. At three grams of fiber and three grams of Omega-3’s per serving, you’ll feel your vitality soaring with every mouth-watering bite. Its curious roasted smell, the unusual slime deposits it leaves in your mouth, and the way it burrows deep in between your teeth to provide hours of additional snacking will leave you wondering how you lived before you had access to this wonder-drug. You’ll make all the squirrels on your block jealous.
Our ground flaxseed is also excellent for creating excrement-shaped meal replacement bars that will beautifully compliment the rest of your low-fat, high-protein diet. But the flaxseed has seven grams of fat per serving, you say. Low fat? Don’t worry. It’s good fat. You know, the type that ladies in skin-tight workout gear who tote yoga mats while pushing their blonde little babies around in designer strollers are always yapping about. Seriously, you can trust them. They’ve had at least two kids during their 30s and they can still get away with spandex.
And that’s not all. Do you have trouble recovering from illness or injury? Not anymore. Our flax will kick your immune system in the ass, providing you with twice the ability to fight viruses, bacteria, bone fractures, ligament damage, and even cancer. It acts as a natural insect repellent, can be mixed with lard to create a world-class beautifying cream, has been shown to significantly increase libido and sperm count in rats, and is a safer alternative to Gardasil for vaccinating yourself against HPV. And Central Market Organics cold-milled flaxseed doesn’t just protect you against the four most common strains. It kills all the HPV you can manage to throw at it.
If you aren’t eating our flax, you’re cheating yourself out of the American dream. Yes, we live in a land of darkness, but here, here is the light. It’s organic ground flaxseed, and it’s here to save your mother-fucking life. Eat it, or eat it. Peace.